My wish: I wish that people would stop destroying others just because they were once destroyed. (Salmansohn)
It’s Halloween, a time when we traditionally dress up in scary costumes to frighten others, especially any spirits that might be poking about. And I’ve finally decided upon my “costume” for this year; let me describe it to you. I will be a character who is, as we say in the South, “stuck on her or himself.” I use bullying to control, intimidation to convince, silence to avoid intimacy, anger and rage to hide my insecurities, and am basically obsessed with myself and my own importance. I lack emotional empathy and do not feel bad if I hurt other people (in fact, I don’t even notice, to tell the truth). I never accept blame for anything (because it really is always someone else’s fault), and never apologize. I use an old technique called “gas-lighting” (that’s when I plant seeds of doubt in the other person’s mind about the validity of their feelings or perceptions — helps to confuse them, and I can more easily get my way; telling someone they’re “too sensitive” or “hysterical” if they complain is helpful). I use procrastination and passivity to protect myself from actually doing anything that might be judged. And probably I appear to have memory deficits because naturally what I remember is all about me and serves me well. I never feel guilty (because I’m not!), but I do feel anger and rage, and can become very defensive when I feel put in a bad light — I find it very difficult to remember any events, conversations, or arrangements that contradict me or show me to be in the wrong. I judge others pretty much by how they look, but do not criticize me! It makes me very angry when told I have an overbearing conversational style. If I can put others on the defensive, I know I am in control of an argument. Therefore lies do serve me well, but I will never admit to them, and always insist others misunderstand (because they do).
This is my character for this year. I frighten even myself.